Alone

Every night I wake up in a panic; doesn't much matter if I am in bed by 8 or 10 or 11, I always wake up in a panic. Fear of failure? Fear of not taking adequate care of my horses, my life? It's not that I want someone to go to batt for me or defend me in my endeavours like he defended Gail C. in a conversation we had a while back (she does a very good job with her horses, he said. I said how do you know or something like that. He said, I thought testily, we've worked together for years.) It's just so lonely fighting this fight all by myself. Always by myself. My brother has his own stuff; he's locked in his little world surrounded by the 5 horses he rubs for someone else. My mother is sick with her own stuff as I've just discovered. I'm so alone and so lonely. I want relief from it so badly. And all of this sounds so trite. Why do the words on the screen so little resemble the jumble of words in my head which are always so much more real?