Lost in the void

Can't sleep. My head keeps spinning and spinning. I can't turn off my thoughts. All I can see is that horse's face. I love him so much. All class and heart and I can't seem to get it together for him. Everyone around me is failing him including me. Locked in a vortex of apathy and sheer bitter will. (Not a bad name for a horse; Bitter Will. Does kind of have a bite to it) I remember a while back someone wondering why I was so hung up on using one particular exercise rider. They (possibly it was Jill?) wondered why the emphasis on one guy. I always thought it was important to use the same rider as much as possible. This person who I can't seem to remember, possibly because it is 4:42 in the am and all around me it is dark save for the computer screen, thought I was nuts. Too much devotion to one rider leads to dependence and when that rider fucks off you are cast adrift. And that is exactly what has happened. That trainer was very tough and independant and I know now why. Because the only one you can depend on is yourself. Depending on someone external to yourself sets you up for disaster. And that is exactly what has happened. Donny screws up and everyone is cast adrift.
I can't talk to he that matters so much. A wall has fallen. A barrier erected.